Happy 2012!
It’s been a few months, huh? Sorry about that. Does it help to know that I’ve been busy? What’s that? You want to know what I’ve been doing? Fine. I’ll tell you.
I fell in love with a guy who I’m all but certain had a thing for me too, but because of a pesky little thing called professional ethics, he couldn’t ask me out and I’ve been afraid to ask him. I did invite him to a get-together I had before Christmas, believing (hoping?) that it would give him an out, but he couldn’t come. In retrospect, I’m glad — it would’ve been terribly awkward. Still, I was initially crushed. Tears were shed.
I haven’t seen him in a while. I’ve decided to avoid doing so for fear that it would only be harder to move on. The last time I saw him I gave him a reason to see me that wouldn’t be an ethical problem, so the ball is in his court. Of course, there’s a big difference between attraction and intention: It could be that despite his obvious attraction to me he had no intention in actually asking me out. It’s unfortunate; we really clicked. But I’ve never chased a man, and I’m not about to start. You either want me or you don’t.
Anyway, it’s gotten easier. For a while, in the beginning days of my crush, he was all I could think about. It was distracting. I confess, I still remember the flash of his collarbone I spotted one afternoon, how he’d find innocent ways to touch me, the first time he hugged me. But the pain of his absence isn’t as consuming. If there really was something there, maybe he’ll call when enough time goes by that it won’t be an ethical concern. Otherwise I’ll use the time to get over him.
I got my couch! There was a heart-stopping 45 minutes when it looked like the delivery guys couldn’t get it in (it was a special order; stores don’t just take those back — they store them and charge you high storage rates). Finally, they managed to pivot it just the right way. (This makes me think of that Friends episode with Ross screaming, “Pivot! Pivot!”)
Once I got the couch in, I realized just how desperately I wanted to paint my living room and dining area. It took quite a while to nail down some colors. And by “quite a while” I mean 60+ of those little paper paint samples and about 16 actual paint samples. For a while my walls looked like they had some sort of pox, there were so many sample spots. I even recruited a friend from my old hometown to help. She helped loosen my thoughts on color. One night, before I headed to bed, I muttered to myself, “Please let me wake up tomorrow with a color idea.” You know what? It worked. The first thing I thought that next day upon waking was, “Coral.” So I have a coral accent wall behind the couch (Behr color match of Martha Stewart’s Peony). The other walls are Mushroom by Ellen Kennon, an unassuming but absolutely gorgeous neutral. It looks different on virtually every wall depending on the lighting and what’s around it.
You can see some of the neutral color in the background; the walls closest to the accent wall pick up some of the coral. It is very warm and cozy. Like a hug.
I’ve also gained weight. There are no pictures of that, thankfully. I got off track on hitting the gym when I started going to the chiropractor. That, plus the rapidly disappearing metabolism thanks to being a woman in her mid-40, means that it’s even harder to keep the pounds off. Before I started at the gym, I was about 145. That was distressing enough, given that my “happy weight” was 135, a weight I’d maintained for almost 30 years. After I started at the gym, I got down to 139, but that went up quickly to 142. And now it’s 148. Well, 148.2, if you want the full truth. Sigh.
I had a party. I’d run into my crush and mentioned that I was thinking about having a glogg and nog party sometime in December and asked if he’d be interested. He was very excited about it and said he’d love to come, which basically sealed the deal for me. I was fifty-fifty about it before he suggested that he’d come, but after? Nothing was going to stop me. So I worked to fix up my place. I painted, re-covered the cushion of this great iron chair I rescued from the trash, hung some art, etc.
And then he couldn’t come. But back to the party: It was fine. I cooked a lot. The condo looked lovely (if I may so so myself). But in the end, I just don’t feel like I’m good at the whole party hosting thing. I plan to have another get-together when the weather warms up, but it’ll be a more casual affair.
I went home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I saw Ren during my Thanksgiving visit. She actually greeted me at the door! That was a welcome surprise. She covered my neck with kisses, and she seemed stronger. I still visited her at her bedside, but it was wonderful to see her moving around much better. I called her today, as well, to wish her a happy new year. She sounded somewhat weaker, but compared with how she’s occasionally been in the last couple of years, she sounded good.
I realize that I’ve been writing about only surface stuff. Sometimes it’s easier (even if it isn’t healthier). Sometimes … well, sometimes it’s ’cause I’m filtering myself because there are people I know who read this. That will have to stop if I’m going to be true to the intent of this space. For now, though, bed. This chick’s gotta head to the gym in the morning.
